


A Short Stay at Evil Lair

by BeetleQueen



Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: Alien Sex, Aliens, F/M, Villains, Xenophilia, bad boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-13 00:58:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4501662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeetleQueen/pseuds/BeetleQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxanne's life has been put in danger; what better place to stay than Evil Lair?</p><p>Warning, this fic includes flashbacks of sexytimes, Megamind in glasses, and Roxanne's terribly schmaltzy pickup lines...</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Short Stay at Evil Lair

Roxanne and her best friend at the office sat down in their neighbouring cubicles with their salads. They'd both promised to work through their lunch hour, and were regretting the decision immediately.

"What I wouldn't give for a certain guy to smash through the windows right now... Why did we even agree to this? I'd rather be strapped to the hostage chair!" she groaned as she plopped down into her less than ergonomic wheeled version, completely missing the flash of blue and black that seemed to vanish under her desk.

"You  _love_  him." came a muffled reply from the other side of the wall.

"Deb, I do not  _love_  him." Roxanne huffed. "You think I love everyone. You said I loved the delivery guy yesterday just because I called him by his first name!"

"Yeah, well, the deliveryman doesn't kidnap you and have his wicked way..."

"For the last time; nothing goes on. Ever."

"Hmm, but you  **want**  it to-"

"Stop it now before I do something with this spork I'll later regret." The reporter said leaning over the top of the wall with a smirk.

"OK, OK. I get it! Hey, you remember that time he stopped by your apartment after calling in here? The boss was freaking out screaming; 'She's called in sick! Please leave? I'm too young to die!' I thought he was going to faint!" Deb had now dissolved into a fit of giggles.

"Your point?" Roxanne sat back down, waiting for her co worker to compose herself.

"Well, he could've just left kidnapping you until you got better, but he stopped by to check on you!"

"I wouldn't put it that way exactly. We ended up arguing about 'my lack of antibodies', and 'easily succumbing to the commonest of colds.' Or something..."

"Most guys wouldn't bother-"

"I know what you're getting at, and you can stop right there. Most guys wouldn't send me poisonous bouquets, y'know?"

"Now hang on just one minute, they were only supposed to  _look_  poisonous. After all these years I thought you would've  _ **got**_ that!"

All Deb could hear after that was a loud smack, a cry of pain, and Roxanne's voice whispering, "What the  **fuck**  are you doing under my desk?"

"Well, I was going to go down the whole 'surprise kidnapping' route, but you ruined it. As usual! Nice shoes by the way-"

"You pervert!" Another smack echoed through the cubicle, and once again Megamind's hushed barks of protest.

"I am most certainly NOT a pervert!"

"Prove it." And before she could stop him one of his hands had shot out to cup one of her breasts. "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?"

"See? No erection. Now can we just move this along, I have a very busy shed-yool-"

"GET OUT!"

"But-"

" **OUT!** "

The sound of a clipboard bouncing off a bald head rang out, and the villain emerged from the cubicle wide eyed. Catching the expressions of the workers outside he put on his best mask of confidence. "Fine Miss Ritchi have it your way, but you cannot escape my- A STAPLER?  _REALLY?_ " he screamed as he ducked the many objects now being hurled in his direction. "FINE. I'M GOING ALREADY!"

As the villain made his less than grand exit Roxanne sat back down with a sigh, her breathing puffing out in little angry gusts. She looked out of the cubicle door at all the faces that were gawping back. "What're you all staring at?"

* * *

It was your pretty standard kidnapping, really; Roxanne tied to her usual chair, and Megamind's horrendously boring monologues that threatened the reporter more with narcolepsy than genuine fear.

If it had been any other week Roxanne would've shrugged it off as another inconvenience at the hands of the city's number one pest.

But it wasn't just any other week; Roxanne's apartment had been targeted twice by a still unapprehended arsonist, not to mention the unsuccessful letter bombs that had found their way into her cubicle.

She'd spent the whole of this week, including the evening before, giving police statements and trying to communicate to her boss that she didn't need time off, and that with Megamind's antics she was accustomed to a life filled with danger.

Not that it ever was where the blue villain was concerned.

The bottom line was that she was tired, and not up to dealing with him, Metro Man, or this stupid game they'd dragged her into.

"Hey, blueberry!"

Megamind snapped out of his speech to face her, "What did you call me?" his posture now defensive as he hugged the sides of his cape.

"Can we just call this a day before you contact Wayne?"

He dropped the silken fabric from his grasp and took on a stance of self importance once again. "Oh Miss Ritchi, you're going to have to beg better than  _that_  if you expect any mercy!" He chuckled darkly.

"Ok, one? I don't beg. Two? Are you freaking kidding me?" He winced slightly at the increasing volume of her voice. "And three? I'm not in the mood to deal with your crap today! I haven't slept a wink in three days! Some weirdo is still out there after trying to burn my apartment to the ground, and I'm pretty sure it's the same freak sending exploding Hallmarks to my place of work!" She took a deep breath before continuing. "So maybe you can wrap your thick head around this; today is not a good day to  **piss me off!** "

There was a ring of silence as both Megamind and Minion simply stood in awe of their captive. The villain was the first to pipe up, "..Exploding Hallmarks, you say?" now scratching his chin in deep thought.

"Well, not  _literally._  I got a few 'letter bombs', but they never actually went off." She said fidgeting in her seat, feeling rather foolish.

"Do you still have them?"

"What?"

"The letters?" He was on his toes now, arms gesturing wildly.

"No, the police took them in as evidence. There's not even a return address, so it's not like they'll be able to find the guy. They said so themselves. And the officer called me this morning; there's no trace of fingerprints-"

"Psh, fingerprints are for ama-twars (She ignored his butchering of the word), Miss Ritchi. And those evidence lockers? Usually a five- _pin_  tumbler system with a single-circuit alarm. Child's play... Now, consider this case closed!"

"Wait, you're going to find this guy?"

"Of course. I just said that, didn't I? Minion, did I stutter?"

"No sir, you were quite articulate!" The henchfish said with a kind smile.

"Wait. Just wait. Why would you do this? Isn't it your  **job**  to make me miserable? And you're trying to stop someone else from doing it?"

"Yes.  _My_  job, Miss Ritchi. No one else's. We can't have some other person taking away all of our fun."

"..fun?" Roxanne's face now held a look of bemusement.

"Exactly! Now just sit pretty, and I'll call Wayne. I'm sure he'll agree to a temporary truce for the day in order to relocate you to... wherever the blazes he calls home." Megamind said, his finger hovering a millimetre from the command centre of the main console.

"Wait, WHAT?" Roxanne's cheeks were tinged scarlet within seconds. "Care to run that by me again?"

The villain turned round, before sharing a frightened glance with his piscean friend. "Well, you can't stay at your apartment while this 'freak' as you put it is still on the loose. Granted I'll apprehend the miscreant before the police, but it could still take some time."

"And you think Wayne's place is the best for me?" Her eyebrow was now raised, and the corner of her mouth rested in a snarl.

Megamind shifted awkwardly from foot to foot before answering, "Well, he is your  _boyfriend._  What safer place to be? Right that's it, it's settled!" and he made his way back to the console again, hand outstretched.

"UGH! For a certified genius you sure are  **stupid.** " He wheeled round almost instantly. "It's a 'relationship' of convenience. I get the exclusive interviews; he gets the fangirls off his back. I see YOU more than I do him!  **And get your hand away from that button already!** "

Megamind snatched his own wrist to stop it getting any closer to the controls. "Alright! The hand is officially away! Will you stop yelling now?"

"I guess." She shrugged against her bonds. "I hate to admit it, but you're right; I can't exactly sit in my apartment just waiting to catch fire."

Minion's eyes suddenly flashed as an idea came to him; "Oh! Oh! You could stay here!"

Megamind and Roxanne both turned to give him an incredulous look, babbling at the same time; "I'm sorry what?", "Say that again?"

"Um. Well, Miss Ritchi could always stay in a  _hotel_ , but at such short notice it could be hard to find one that's not fully booked, or unnecessarily expensive. And sir, we technically  _owe_  her for all the kidnappings." He was now shuffling slightly on the spot.

"Minion, you fantastic fish! Why did I never think of it?" The blue man was now closing the distance between himself and the reporter. "What do you say?"

Roxanne was finding it extremely difficult to refuse. Minion was right, they  _did_  owe her. Big time. And her pay check wasn't due for another 2 weeks, so using up the rest of her money for a hotel stay was definitely out of the question.

She sat for a moment collecting her thoughts, and trying not to be swayed by her captor's almost pleading eyes.

"Ugh, fine. But I want to go back to my apartment and get some things first..."

"Excellent!" he cried, steepling his fingers. "That will give me enough time to guest-proof the lair."

"And less of that, please." She motioned to his hands which were now wiggling diabolically.

"Oh, right." He walked behind her and started untying the bonds on her wrists before leaning in to whisper, ".. _.roomie_."

"Don't call me that."

"Alright, alright, calm yourself Miss Ritchi! There will be plenty of time for arguments, and petty squabbling when we've gotten you all moved in."

"Ugh, whatever. I guess it's still better than Wayne's place. Have you even seen the inside of his house?" Her expression now one of disgust as she started untying the rope around her ankles with her now free hands.

"Miss Ritchi, in case you hadn't noticed, we're not exactly on Saturday brunch terms-"

"Well it's a freaking shrine to himself! Paintings and news-clippings of himself all over the place... Even  _you're_  not that bad."

Both Megamind and Minion shared a look that seemed to communicate that the henchfish's next task would be to remove the larger than life size oil painting of his master from the dining room before dinner.

* * *

Minion's arms were laden with boxes as Roxanne began to search around her apartment.

"Oh, this is exciting Miss Ritchi! We've never had a guest before."

Although Roxanne didn't doubt the fish, she still found herself a little surprised. "Really..?"

"Never! Oh, I can't wait to make a start on dinner! You don't have any allergies do you?" The reporter smirked and shook her head. "Oh thank goodness. It's hard enough factoring sir's dietary restrictions into my cooking; I don't know how I'd cope if I had to make even more sacrifices!"

"What so he's like allergic to stuff? I guess since he's an alien-"

"Actually Miss Ritchi he has no allergies whatsoever. I know you'd think his physiology could be somewhat of a  _problem_ considering he's not exactly 'local', but the truth is he's perfectly suited to the planet's food. He's just a really picky eater."

"You're kidding!" A smile spread across her face as she angled for more information. Minion seemed oblivious and carried on.

"Oh yes; texture, temperature, flavour. And don't get me started on lumps! You can't even try to hide vegetables without him finding them and causing a fuss. He practically lives off coffee, and keeps crashing in the middle of a project! I told him he can't live off junk food and caffeine forever, but he just ignores me everytime! Sometimes I feel more like his mother than his minion... Oh no, I've said too much!" he cried with a look of horror, his metal hands clasped to his bowl. _'Sir was right about her wily ways!'_

"Relax Minion, I won't tell on you." She patted his giant furry forearm.

He seemed to calm at this, and gave her a toothy smile. "Thank you Miss Ritchi. He's evil, but he still has feelings, y'know?"

"I know." And she turned away before her smile became too obvious, now entering the bedroom. "Now, can you help me reach that box up there?"

Minion placed the boxes he was already carrying down on the bed before stretching towards the top of her cupboard. "That's what this suit is for! If you hadn't noticed, sir is a little on the short side. I have to do a lot of the reaching back at evil lair-  **Oh shrimpbits!** "

Roxanne let herself laugh this time. "Oh Minion, you're killing me!" She grabbed her sides before sliding to the floor in a giggling heap.

Minion continued the task their soon to be guest had asked of him and collected the box. He set it onto the bed with the others before shaking from side to side in his bowl.  _'Humans...'_

The fish was already regretting inviting her to share their home. He couldn't help his hospitable nature sometimes, and the thought of Miss Ritchi all alone, and scared in some strange hotel when someone was trying to harm her seemed to spur him into action. He had a soft spot for the reporter after all.

But now obvious problems with the scenario kept forcing themselves to the surface. It had always been just him and Megamind, and Minion couldn't help but wonder how his master would cope with the new addition to the household. Not the mention the almost painful crush his ward had on her.

* * *

"And that door at the end leads to your 'boo-dwar'-"

"..boudoir."

"That's what I said. NOW, you of course have an en-suite-"

"Wait, you can pronounce en-suite, but  _boudoir_  gives you trouble?"

"There is nothing wrong with my pronunciation! Now. As I was saying. Before you so  _rudely_  interrupted." Roxanne let out a slight huff, "You should find everything you need to make your stay an enjoyable one."

Roxanne gave the bedroom a once-over, she wouldn't let on how pleased she actually was by its grandeur.

"Hmm." She then ducked her head into the pristine bathroom. "This looks like it's never been used!"

"It hasn't," his voice echoed from the doorway.

"But, why would you have a bathroom you have no intention of using? ..and why are you hovering out there?"

"You never know what might happen, take today's occurrence! And to answer your second question; a gentleman never enters a lady's 'boo-dwar' unless requested."

"But he can grab her boob?"

That caught him off guard as he let out a slight wheeze. "You know what they say; fail to prepare; prepare to fail!" He was babbling now, playing with his hands, and the gloves gave an awkward squeak.

"Well you wrote the book on failure-" she said before she could stop herself. The villain merely grinned.

"That's what I find most endearing about you, your razor sharp wit! You will be a most interesting houseguest..."

"Hmm, I suppose. Just don't call me 'roomie'."

"I had no intention!" he said with a broad grin before leaving, his cape fluttering behind him.

Roxanne closed the door and started unpacking.  _'Did he just call me endearing..?'_

She had to admit, the room was lovely, the furnishings especially. Roxanne noted the vast amount of throw-pillows on the bed and smiled. She could bet Minion had more than just a metal hand in decorating; everything was so carefully planned out.

Little did she know Megamind had spent almost an hour before her arrival agonising over the placement of said cushions, shifting them back and forth, again and again until he was satisfied. He'd also gunned it on the hover-bike to the nearest mall and purchased the most expensive hair care products and toiletries, ignoring the stares from the general public.

The look on the cashier's face had been priceless when he told her the 20 boxes of Tampax were for something incredibly evil, and sinister.

Roxanne made her way into the bathroom to freshen up before dinner. She hadn't had much time to look around before Megamind had left, so she walked in and closed the adjourning door behind her.

The brunette made her way to the bathtub and pulled back the shower curtain (it looked vaguely Cath Kidston with it's blue background and countless pink flowers scattered across it) to see a mountain of shampoos, conditioners, shower gels, bubble baths, bath bombs, tampon boxes, and even a few bottles of expensive perfumes in the tub.

How long did they expect her to stay? Did they really think she'd need all these? Then again they were both guys, and from what little knowledge Roxanne had of the duo, it had always been the two of them (excluding the Warden during the villain's prison stays), so they probably didn't have much of an idea when it came to the fairer sex, or company in general.

After heaving what must've been a few hundred dollars worth of bottles and boxes out of the bath, she turned the hot tap and proceeded to peel the plastic wrapping off one of the bath bombs. Upon coming into contact with the water it fizzed madly dying it blue, and filling the room with the strong scent of cinnamon.

Roxanne inhaled deeply and began to undress, before slipping into the most relaxing bath she'd ever taken.

* * *

Minion came knocking at Roxanne's door an hour later to announce that dinner was ready. He escorted her across the lair to the dining room, and the reporter's mouth fell open upon entering.

The dining table was easily 40 feet long, and the entire room was lavishly decorated with spotless dinnerware, and crystal chandeliers. There was however a large rectangle of unbleached wall above the fireplace that looked as though there had recently been a painting hanging in front of it.

Then she spotted Megamind at the very end of the table, both feet crossed in front of him on the tablecloth, and a box of pizza in his lap.

"Miss Ritchi, if you would please take a seat? Dinner will be right out!" Minion smiled, and left through a door to the kitchen.

Roxanne chose the seat opposite the villain, and made herself comfortable. 40 feet apart, and she could still smell the cheese.

Minion suddenly burst through the door carrying an impossible number of plates. He began setting them down in front of the reporter. "Here we have some Beef Stroganoff, some Caesar Salad, Delmonico Steak, Eggs Benedict, Lobster Newburg, and finally, some Peach Melba for dessert! I hope it is all to your liking!"

Roxanne just sat staring wide-eyed at the plates, and then turned her gaze to the fish. "Are you freaking kidding me? This is amazing! And you made it all yourself?"

"Oh thank you Miss Ritchi, and yes, it's one of my hobbies." he said looking both proud and embarrassed.

Roxanne's eyes narrowed as she looked across the table. "And you're just gonna insult him by eating pizza? Why do you have to be such a freaky eater, when he can cook like this?"

Megamind's head snapped up, half a slice still clenched between his teeth. He set it down before speaking, "Minion?  _Divulge_  anything today?" His expression less than impressed.

"Oh don't you  **dare**  blame  _him._  It's not his problem you can't stomach  _normal_  food," She scooped up some of the lobster with her fork and wiggled it in his direction, "but maybe if I make it into a little death missile?"

"MINION!" The blue man shrieked before turning to the woman opposite, "Look, it wasn't funny when the Warden did it, and it sure as hell isn't funny now!" he yelled, and crossed his arms before putting on a strange, high-pitched voice. " _Here comes the private jet crashing into the alps~!_  It didn't work when I was a year old, and- Minion didn't tell you any of this, did he?" Megamind's face was now taking on a purple tinge.

Roxanne merely shook her head. She was afraid if she spoke, the flood of laughter she was trying to suppress might crash through.

* * *

It was her second day in the lair, and Roxanne finally found the kitchen after only a small amount of navigation. The layout of the building was starting to become a more familiar one to the sassy reporter, and she hadn't even stumbled into the alligator pit this time.

The sight before her would've been adorable if the two men in question didn't have a history for kidnapping her at least twice a week. Megamind was scooping spoon after spoon of cream cheese into a blender, which Minion was also adding a saucepan of melted chocolate into. His tongue was poking out of the corner of his mouth, and his face had taken on a determined expression. Minion on the other hand wore his usual amiable smile.

"Ahem." Roxanne chanced, and both men spun round with wide, guilty eyes. The villain looked as though he'd just been caught with his leathery hand in the cookie jar, and the reporter stifled a giggle. "What'cha doing there?"

"Miss Ritchi, I would not expect you to understand the  _genius_  that goes into my coo-lin-airy exploits." The blue man said with a huff, his chest thrust out in indignation. "This dairyfied concoction will have your tastebuds begging for more!" He was now pointing a finger at the ceiling with a self-assured grin on his face.

Roxanne cocked an eyebrow at him, her expression deadpan. "And again in English?"

Megamind's eyes narrowed, and he switched the device on before even taking a moment to consider affixing the lid. Within seconds the kitchen walls, and all three of its inhabitants where streaked with a chocolatey, yet cheesy mix.

"Good going,  _genius._ " Roxanne found herself muttering.

Megamind paused in his attempts to remove some of the viscous substance from his costume, "This is actually  _your_  fault." and the reporter's head snapped up to give him a glare.

"And how exactly did you figure that?"

"UGH! Never mind! This is the last time I make  _you_  breakfast. Minion, heat the water for my bath..." he ordered, now skulking out of the room.

"Sir, the water is  _always_  on, as you know." replied his minion with the slightest hint of exasperation. He then turned to Roxanne to whisper, "Sir can get cranky if he can't have a bath right when he wants-"

"MINON!" The villain's arms were poker-straight by his sides, and he was now standing on tiptoes in an attempt to regain some authority. "What have I told you about this woman's wily ways? At least  _try_  to put up some kind of a fight!" And with that he left the room with a slam loud enough to snap the door clean off it's hinges.

Minion turned to Roxanne again. "See what I mean about  _cranky?_ "

"Wait. He was making me breakfast?"

"Oh yes, if it had gone to plan, I assure you, it would've been splendid!"

Roxanne ran a finger across her forearm wiping some of the mixture up and tentatively licked it. "Oh wow, that  **is**  really nice..."

"Yes, Miss Ritchi. I have a feeling it's going to catch on someday."

Roxanne sucked on her finger thoughtfully. She wouldn't object to a fridge filled with this stuff. _'It would be perfect for cheesecake...'_

* * *

Roxanne found herself lost again in the massive building. Every door she tried was either locked, or housed some kind of generator, or deactivated death-trap.

Finally she found herself stepping into a large tiled room.  _'Wait. Is this-'_  But she didn't have time to finish the thought as another door opposite began to creak open.

The first thing she could think to do was dive into the nearby bathtub; the black shower curtain made it the perfect hiding spot.

She mentally scolded herself for not just walking back out of the door she came through.

Roxanne allowed herself to peep around the side of the curtain. Part of her knew what she was going to see, but the reporter still found herself a little surprised when she saw Megamind, sans towel, reclining in a large whirlpool bathtub on the other side of the room.

She thought it couldn't get any more awkward, but then he started shaving his legs.  _'Fucking typical...'_  Roxanne whirled back round and resumed hiding, fighting back the perverse urge to look again.

It was then that the nearby door crashed open and the reporter could hear Minion's panicked voice.

"Oh sir, it's terrible! I was going to find Miss Ritchi so that I could ask her opinions on my latest soufflé recipe-"

"As one does..." Megamind interjected sarcastically.

"-But I couldn't find her anywhere! I've got the brainbots scanning the perimeter, but none of them have tracked her down, and it's been 20 minutes!"

"Relax Minion, she's probably just left."

"Left sir?"

"Of course, it was only a matter of time. Honestly Minion, who in their right mind would stay here?"

Roxanne then heard a faint "BOWG." and spun around to see a pink brainbot hovering next to her.  _'I'm dead.'_

The cyborg's eyestalk skimmed over her, narrowing slightly in suspicion. Roxanne made pleading eyes, and raised both her hands, waving them slightly from side to side whilst shaking her head. She mouthed the word 'please', and the brainbot blinked a few times as if it understood.

"Maybe she's in the garden..." She then heard Minion mutter.

"Well, if she is, make sure she hasn't wandered into section 6. Then again, we'd know if she had; the screams would be a bit of a tip off."

"Ah, yes. The Venus Mantrap of Doom is coming along nicely, I might add." Minion paused and then shouted out for the brainbot. "Clarice, c'mere girl!"

Roxanne watched silently as the little cyborg 'bowged' softly, and flew off. She made a mental note to scratch it's dome the next time they met.

* * *

Megamind was seated in his high-backed leather chair in front of 30-something monitors, all of which were running diagnostics on things in the background as he typed feverishly.

It was 3am, and Minion had 'powered down' some hours ago, so when Roxanne tapping her knuckles on the door, he found himself almost jumping out of his skin. He wasn't even in his villain clothes right now; talk about awkward.

At least he'd decided not to wear the pyjamas.

"C.. come in." he hesitantly called out,  _'Smooth...'_  fidgeting slightly behind the back of his chair.

The door gave a loud creak, and he heard the muffled pad of footsteps as the reporter approached.

"Sorry, I can't sleep," Roxanne looked up at all the blinking screens, "but by the looks of things neither can you." the chair made a high-pitched squeal as Megamind shifted slightly.

"Yes, well..." His tongue was starting to feel thick in his mouth, "I did say I'd catch the scoundrel who's trying to torch your apartment. The letters that this idiot in question left are already being analysed." he could feel her gaze on the back of the chair, and his face burned as his mind berated him,  _'Scoundrel?_ _ **Really?**_ _'_

"Wait, how did you get the letters? You'd have to break in!" There was a hint of awe in her voice, and he felt his pride swell.

His mask of confidence slipped back into place as he turned a few dials on his newest invention, and wheeled around fully to face her; any fear he had now long gone. "Well, when you're wearing someone else's face, it's usually a lot easier to just waltz right in and take what you want."

Roxanne was shocked when she saw that the person in the chair wasn't Megamind at all, but a young man in a police officer's uniform.

"I didn't have enough time to record his voice into the watch," He said now flicking the disguise off, "but the hologram alone was enough to get me into the evidence rooms without too much fuss."

Roxanne was even more taken aback when she saw that instead of his standard costume he was wearing a pair of tight fitting black jeans, and an AC/DC concert t-shirt which hung like a tent around his lithe frame.

He also had a pair of spectacles perched on the end of his thin nose, and Roxanne suddenly realised that under the bravado, costumes, and eccentricity, Megamind was just one giant nerd.

In retrospect, he was also quite a hot nerd.

In all the skin-tight leather he seemed oddly in proportion. But in a t-shirt like this, which seemed more like a nightdress on him, it became obvious that he wasn't human.

How did she keep forgetting that?

She could feel her face heating up just looking at his ungloved arms,  _'All that blue skin...'_  and let her gaze turn to the floor before her blush spread any further. She then spotted a pair of fuzzy batwing slippers on the villain's feet, both of which looked right back at her with their red slit-like eyes.

"Nice slippers..." She smirked, regaining her usual confidence. Now it was Megamind's turn to look uncomfortable.

"Ah. Yes," He shuffled his feet slightly before swerving back round to regard the monitors, "oh, would you look at that!" a prompt had now flashed up on the screen signalling the DNA analysis was complete.

Forgetting all villain/hostage protocol, Roxanne leaned over the back of his chair, her hands grasping the top, as she stood on tip-toes. "What? What's it say?"

"Well, I've not had a chance to compare it to any of the city's DNA databases, but from what we can tell already we're dealing with a red headed male. Know anyone who fits that description?"

Roxanne's stomach dropped as a familiar freckled face crossed her mind. "There's one guy. But he's an idiot... He doesn't even look the type-"

"Don't begin making assumptions based on how people appear." He smiled, "C'mon, look at me! The very picture of  **terror** ," he wiggled his fingers at the word, "yet I'm completely incompetent!"

"Hey, that's not true! You've done all this for me-"

"A silver lining in my otherwise cloudy career... Now, what was this dullard's name so I can run it through the computers?"

Dullard. That really was a good word to describe her cameraman, "Hal Stewart." she watched as the alien typed the name in almost instantly. The system seemed to be comparing DNA samples now, not just with Metro City, but the surrounding cities also.

In under a minute a pasty, freckled face popped up on the main screen accompanied by the words '99.99% MATCH', and Roxanne felt the bile rise in her throat. "Oh shit, it  _is_  him..."

"Wait...  _This_  buffoon?" He leaned in to get a better look at the man, who was looking more familiar to him by the second. "That's your oaf of a cameraman, isn't it?"

"Yeah..." Roxanne couldn't think straight right now. All of this had been Hal; harmless Hal. She grabbed the arm of the chair to steady herself, unaware that Megamind was registering her every reaction.

"Right." He was suddenly on his feet as he popped finger and thumb into his mouth letting out a sharp whistle. A horde of brainbots surrounded the man with a white curtain; a few smacks of leather and the squeal of zippers rang out, and within seconds the villain emerged in full regalia.

Roxanne looked at him questioningly and he smirked. "Daddy's off to bring home the bacon..." His eyes suddenly held a predatory flash that Roxanne had never before seen. He adjusted the De-Gun so that it's barrel was set to 'De-Stroy' and started for the door.

Without thinking she rushed forward and put both hands on his chest. "Wait, think this through, it's not even morning yet, don't you usually broadcast your murderous activities at prime-time?"

He could've kissed her.

Leaving this until later in the day was perfect; he could kidnap Hal, spruce up the lair to make it as menacing as possible, set up the cameras, and decide on which objects of mayhem or destruction to wield in the pig-man's face.

"Are you  _sure_  you don't want to be my evil queen..?" He sighed.

Roxanne ignored him and pressed on, "You're not going to  _kill_  him, are you?" part of her knew it was a crazy question, but another part still wanted to make sure. The villain's eyes still seemed partly clouded in a murderous rage.

"Roxanne," And she flinched slightly at his sudden use of her first name. "you're smart enough to know that none of my instruments of evil actually  _ **do**_  anything but look impressive." Roxanne had always suspected, but now the villain was outright admitting it. Her life had never once been in danger at all. "But if I try hard enough, I'm sure I can just give him a nice little heart attack. I can be very threatening when I want to be..."

The look in his eyes told her he was entirely serious. She'd never seen him this incensed. Just a few days ago Roxanne thought he had been peeved at the idea of someone encroaching on his villainous territory, but the real reason was now obvious.

_'Deb was right, he **does**  love me...'_

* * *

Megamind prodded Minion awake just before turning in, instructing the fish to swing by the cameraman's apartment in the new few hours, and collect him.

He'd also given the fish express permission to 'go nuts' when it came to the brute force of the forget-me-stick. He wasn't about to coddle that stupid man with the knockout spray, and a nice big bruise to the face would just look _so good_  on camera...

He'd promised Roxanne that he wasn't going to hurt the little freak, but that didn't mean that his henchfish couldn't.

He shed his skintight jeans and climbed into bed, the faded band t-shirt brushed just past the tops of his thighs, giving the illusion that he wasn't wearing any underwear. He curled his thin form around a rather imposing looking teddy bear and began to dream of all the ways he would torture his soon to be captive.

Roxanne still couldn't sleep. The idea of Megamind threatening her cameraman's life would usually have sparked something inside the reporter, but in this instance it wasn't. And that unsettled her most of all, that she was actually enjoying the prospect of what was going to happen tomorrow. Enjoying the idea of Hal being scared witless.

Scared witless just like she had been.

And most of all, she was going to enjoy seeing her long-time captor's face twisting from that usually clueless and almost cute expression into what she'd seen earlier that night. A malicious sneer peppered with hints of insanity.

Why on Earth was she looking forward to  _that?_

It was then that she decided she couldn't leave things like she had. Sure, Megamind had given his word that Hal's life wouldn't be in danger, but that look in his eyes meant that she still wanted to make absolutely sure.

That  _was_  the reason she wanted to see him in the middle of the night. Wasn't it?

She got out of bed and slipped on a robe, along with her pink pair of house shoes, and began walking across the lair towards the villain's quarters.

When she got to his door she debated whether or not to knock. She finally resolved to give the door a small tap, and if he didn't answer, she'd take the initiative and open it anyway.

As it happened he did not answer, so she slowly pulled down the handle and poked her head through the small opening before pushing the door fully open. The sight before her was a worrying mixture of abnormal and hilarious.

Megamind was curled in the foetal position around a massive beige teddybear. He let go of it and rolled onto his other side; almost immediately after a barrage of spikes shot forth from the fluffy plush toy as it's eyes glowed demonically. He then rolled over again and resumed in cuddling it, somehow managing not to become impaled in the process.

He nuzzling slightly into the fuzzy pelt before humming out; "...Roxanne."

A more perfect opportunity could not have been possible.

She allowed herself a wicked smile before replying. "Yeah?" All the reporter registered then was a flash of blue and black as the super genius flew off the bed in shock. She reigned in her laughter, putting on her best professional face. "Nice teddy."

Even in the dark of the room, his blush was obvious. "Y-you're not going to write a report on that... are you?"

Her smile faded as she took a few steps closer. "Of course not. Trust me, I've got much more embarrassing stuffed animals."

He craned his neck slightly as his face took on an amused expression. "Really? 'Embarrassing' how?" He got up to sit on the side of the bed, giving her a very nice flash of his thighs as he did so.

 _'The things I do for your ego...'_  She mused. "OK, since it's you. And you promise not to tell?"

"Pinky swear~" He grinned wiggling his little finger at her.

"I've got a giant Hello Kitty plush toy that I hug every night. OK? A spiky bear with devil eyes doesn't even come close to being as embarrassing as that."

"I suppose it doesn't." He agreed, and was lost for further conversation when the reporter sat down on the opposite side of the bed.

"You're probably wondering why I'm even here," He didn't have time to answer before she continued, "I know you said you wouldn't kill Hal, but... you looked  _really_  angry."

"I was. Still am, but I'm channelling that now into creative ways in which I can terrify him."

She allowed herself a smile as she scooted closer, and saw his body language become more shy.

"Thanks by the way." She shuffled a bit nearer.

"For what?" He could feel her breath on his face.

"Everything." His lips were so close.

"Everything?" She grabbed his wrist.

"Everything." And then her lips pressed against his as she pushed him softly onto the mattress.

For an evil villain he was awfully compliant.

_'So this is what kisses feel like... I think I can see what all the fuss is about.'_

People always talked about having butterflies in their stomach, but the closest thing Megamind could attribute the feeling to was beetles scratching around inside his belly at the same time as missing a step. It was sickly and dark, but at the same time euphoric and new. And he didn't want it to end.

Roxanne smiled as his hands found their way in her hair, and she flicked her tongue out to deepen the kiss. She wasn't prepared for the sudden jolt he gave beneath her.

"You OK?" Both of her hands had now found themselves cupping his face.  _'How on Earth did I let you slip past my radar...'_

He could feel his cheeks burning under her gaze. "I'm fine. Just... This is all a little new." His eyes were cast down, and his face pulling away. But Roxanne had other ideas, and held him firmly so that he had no choice but to look at her.

Megamind had never been good with eye contact, and the idea of Roxanne's endlessly blue eyes boring into him was beginning to tip him over the edge of discomfort, and into an ocean of complete distress.

He could feel his own eyes trying to roll away as she cradled his face with her soft hands. There was no where else to go but straight ahead, so he took a deep breath, blinked and let his eyes flicker to hers.

She knew his eyes were very green, but Roxanne never had the chance to look completely into them. His irises held such depth and detail that she sat simply studying them until he spoke up.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to stare?" He tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a strained noise.

"Hmm. You don't happen to have a map handy, do you?"

"No. Why?" He was genuinely curious.

She let out a small sigh and stroked his jaw with one of her fingers. "Because I'm lost in your eyes..."

Comprehension then dawned. "Oh..."

"Oh is right." Roxanne smirked letting her fingers now draw tiny circles on his cheek. "If I kiss you again, you're not going to freak out, are you?" He simply shook his head. "Good." And she lowered her face to brush his lips once more.

Roxanne let her tongue trace a wet line across his lower lip, and was delighted with the gasp she received in return. She took the opportunity while his mouth was partly open to probe gently against his tongue with her own. This time she got a moan.  _'I wonder what other noises you make...'_

His actions were still quite tentative, and she smiled as she felt his shaky hands place themselves on her waist. He really was being the perfect gentleman.

One of Roxanne's hands slid under his t-shirt, creeping up ever so slightly to find the waistband of his underwear. She gave him a look that seemed to ask permission.

"You do remember that I've been kidnapping you for years, right?" He said, some of his confidence now returning. She simply nodded. "And you still want to? With me?"

She stared into his eyes, reflecting green vulnerability back at her. She tugged his waistband, bringing his attention back to her hand. "You're all I've ever wanted. And I feel so stupid for taking so long to realise it."

"God bless Stockholm Syndrome..." He said waggling his eyebrows.

Roxanne let out a squeal of laughter as he pulled her back down into another kiss.

* * *

"Citizens of Metrocity," The villain sneered, "It has come to my attention that some of you are, how should I put this?" he paused scratching his 'devil beard', "Taking my acts of villainy into your own hands." his footsteps echoed as he began pacing the room. "Now, I'm only going to say this once, so I hope you're all listening very closely!" His voice now a chilling whisper. "Property damage? Not an issue." He waved his hand dismissively. "Burglary and bank robbing? I  _encourage_  it!" He stopped pacing and loomed dangerously over the camera. "But if you  **dare**  threaten one of my hostages, you'll find yourself  **begging**  for a quick and painless death!"

The pure anger in his voice sent a chill down the reporter's spine as she, along with everyone else in the office, watched the broadcast on the large flatscreen in the conference room. Granted, Roxanne was shivering for entirely different reasons.

Wayne was sitting at home, both feet propped up on his coffee table as he too watched the broadcast. Not that he had a choice since Megamind had found some way to force it through the airwaves so it played on every television in the city.

He laughed out loud at that last line. "Oh buddy, you've got it bad..."

He took another bite of his sandwich, and pondered how long it would take for the reporter and criminal mastermind to just climb on top of each other and get it over with. That was if they hadn't done so already.

The sexual tension between those two had been going on for years, and you didn't need super sight to see it.

Flashes of silky blue skin danced across Roxanne's mind. She imagined his nimble fingers running over her body again while she bounced on his cock, and unconsciously squeezed her legs together. Her bottom lip found it's way between her teeth, and she sucked on it as the events of last night replaying in her head.

Megamind was back to pacing, his demeanour now cool and collected. "I hate having to remind you people again and again, so hopefully a demonstration will stick better in your minds?" His smirk stretched so wide that the reporter could see his gums.

It was odd to see him taking charge like this after being so submissive under her touch just the night before. Evil role play suddenly sounded like a very sexy idea. She'd keep it in mind for their future 'encounters'.

The villain snapped his fingers and the room became illuminated in dramatic spot-lighting. Roxanne couldn't help but think that all of this had been meticulously planned out.

The familiar outline of a portly figure tied to the hostage chair now became apparent, and she could swear she saw her usual kidnapping bag placed over his head.  _'Megamind had better burn it after this...'_

The villain in question slowly sauntered up to the struggling muffled form and bent down to pluck the bag off it's head. Every person in the conference room gave a similar gasp of surprise as the flushed, terrified face of Hal Stewart flashed up on the screen.

"Boy and girls, I have reason to believe we have a little arsonist in our midst. Is that fair, Hal? Would you call yourself that?" He was now leaning in closer, his lips curled back in a ferrel snarl. "Because I could've sworn it was your DNA I found on those letter bombs... so am I correct in assuming you were also the scum who tried to burn down Miss Ritchi's apartment?"

"Oh man!" Hal struggled against his bonds, both wrists and ankles already chafing. Megamind never tied Roxanne up too tightly, but he had no such qualms where the cameraman was concerned.

The alien then pressed the tip of the De-Gun into the man's neck; the word 'De-Stroy' now visible to all the viewers. "I believe I asked you a question."

Hal squeaked feebly as the gun pressed slightly harder on his jugular. "Please don't kill me, dude! I'm totally sorry!" He looked up then at the camera. "Roxie, I didn't mean to freak you out. I just hoped that if you thought your apartment wasn't safe, you'd come stay at mine!" The safety on the gun clicked off and Hal let out another shriek of panic. "Oh my god! Please, no! I've got so much to give!"

Megamind withdrew the gun, but not before giving the freckled man a good hard slap across the face.  _'Oooh, that sounded like it might've hurt... Woops...'_  He then let out a bark of well-rehearsed laughter to cover his surprise, and pulled on a switch, causing a nearby wall to open.

"You're quite lucky, you know," A massive crablike cyborg shuffled out, circling the cameraman before resting next to it's master, "not many people have had the chance to be fully  _acquainted_  with the spee-ider -bot..." he said petting it's massive jaws affectionately.

It gave the cameraman a predatory look, it's red eyes flashing, and rounded on him smacking it's jaws together in a series of deafening clangs. Hal looked like he was going to pass out, so Megamind snapped his fingers, causing the robot to retreat slightly.

It wouldn't do any good if the fat man went and fainted so early into the kidnapping. He then reminded himself he was working with an amateur; Miss Ritchi was much more well versed when it came to enduring this kind of thing.

"I think it's time we set the mood, Mr.  _Shtewart._ " And the alien click the remote in his hand. ( _WHY CAN'T THIS CRAZY LOVE BE MIIIIIIIIIIINEEE~!)_ "Woops, that's not it..." He gave the remote another click. ( _There outta be a law get the Sheriff on the phone. Lord have mercy, how'd she even get them britches ooooon that honky toooonk badonkadooonk!_ ) "Oh for the love of-" Another click and "Ride of the Valkyries" began to blare through the lair's sound system. "Ah, much better."

Roxanne found the entire exchange hilarious, but the rest of her co-workers just looked on in horror.

Usually Megamind's costume never did much for her, but now she found herself drinking in every curve and angle on his body as he circled the chubby freckled man, his cape fluttering behind him making him look like some kind of overgrown bat.

_'Mental note; next time we do it, he's wearing the outfit.'_

"Minion, the flamethrower, if you would be so kind..."

"You got it, boss!" Minion said in an uncharacteristically wicked way. It was the first time the henchfish was appearing on the screen, and in no time at all he had handed his master a rather ominous looking gun with a few cannisters of fuel attached to the barrel.

"Oh god, no! Please!"

Megamind stepping onto the carefully place "X" on the lair's floor. From this distance the jet of fire would stop just short of the cameraman's face. Far enough not to do any lasting damage, unless you counted mental scarring.

He took the viewfinder to his eye, and his tongue poked out of the corner of his mouth. "Any last words?"

 _'Oh, that talented tongue...'_  Roxanne thought as she started mentally riding it again. Gene Simmons had nothing on this guy.

Hal was white as a sheet, and a thin veil of sweat coated his skin; some of his unruly hair now stuck to his forehead. "Please don't kill me!"

"Ugh, I've heard  _that_  before..." And he squeezed the trigger.

Everyone in the office except Roxanne brought their hands to their faces in terror, and gasped, some even screamed. Realising her faux pas, the reporter quickly gasped along with her co-workers, trying to put on her best fearful expression.

When the surge of flames stopped, the camera showed an unharmed, though unconscious Hal, with what looked like a piss stain bleeding through the crotch of his pants. Roxanne fought every urge her face had from collapsing into laughter. It took a lot of willpower, but luckily no one in the room was focussing on her, their eyes were instead glued to the TV.

Megamind then appeared, his face taking up most of the screen. "As thrilling as the prospect of my lair smelling like a hog roast is, the mess would just be too much of a burden on poor Minion, here."

"Oh sir, you are too kind!" Came Minion's voice somewhere out of shot.

"And that sounded like a full confession to me, if I'm not mistaken? Brace yourselves, Metrocity's finest, the brainbots will be on their way to you shortly with Mr. Shtewart-"

"Stewart, sir."

"That's what I said!"

* * *

Roxanne was barely out of the building when she heard the earsplitting screech of tires as the invisible car skidded to a halt. The driver's side window slid down revealing a small floating rectangle of the car's interior, along with the dopey face of it's blue driver.

He leaned out of the car window, his arms crossed and resting under his chin. "Hey."

He looked like a lovesick teenager.

The urge to keep from smiling back was just too hard to resist, and Roxanne found herself echoing his stupid grin. "And what's a pretty little overlord like you doing in a place like this?" Hopefully the public would think she was baiting him instead of flirting. She tried to keep her expression ambiguous.

"It's on my way."

"Oh really, on your way to where exactly?"

"Your apartment, as it happens. Just letting you know it's safe now, in case you didn't see my broadcast-"

"Oh, I saw it." Another smirk tugged at the corners of her mouth. "I guess you're expecting a thank you?"

Megamind's cheeks flushed slightly, but his confident sneer remained. "I would not object..." He leered at the reporter, his tongue playing against the tip of one of his canines. "Need a lift?" She felt a sudden quiver overcome her, and could swear his smile got bigger.

Two could play at this game.

"Woops~!" She deliberately threw her purse over her shoulder. "Just let me get that..."

Megamind felt a nosebleed coming on when the full swell of the reporter's hips swung dangerously as she turned her back to him. She slowly bent down, keeping her legs straight so her rear end bounced in the air.

He couldn't stop his eyes from widening as he sat helpless against the brunette's curves, the upper half of his body almost completely leaning out of the window now to get a better look. The passersby were all looking on in shock.

Roxanne picked up her purse and turned back round, delighting in the sheer lust and surprise plastered on the villain's face. His eye line was now fixed on her chest, and she grinned inwardly at her tight choice of clothing.

It took him a little while to realise that she was now standing with her hand on one hip as he continued to oggle her. When he did realise, Megamind gave her a mock-apologetic look while biting his bottom lip and quirking an eyebrow.

"Well, Hal would've usually driven me home, and seeing that the news van is still parked outside his place, I guess I've got no other option than to take you up on your offer." She sauntered around the front of the car as he leaned over and opened the passenger side door. She might've been fumbling for an invisible handle, otherwise, and the faster she could get in his car, the better.

She closed the door with a snap behind her, and Megamind held his finger on one of the buttons that operated the vehicle's windows.

She heard it hum shut, and once she was sure the public couldn't get a good eyeful, she reached over and squeezed the villain's thigh. "I was hoping you'd swing by..."

His blush spread further, and he could feel the heat dancing across the back of his neck, and prickling his ears. "So, back to your place, then?"

She slid her hand up a little higher and squeezed his leg again. "I thought you'd never ask..."

**Author's Note:**

> Songs featured in this fic; It's Not Unusual – Tom Jones, Honky Tonk Badonkadonk – Trace Adkins, and of course Ride of the Valkyries by Richard Wagner.
> 
> P.S. I've hidden a Big Bang Theory quote somewhere in this fic; virtual cookies go to whoever finds it!


End file.
